Umbrage Quest

Welcome to ###A Screenwriter's Quest to avoid Craig Mazin’s undying UMBRAGE. [[Enter, if you dare »->Before You Begin]] (set: $showFooter to false) (set: $umbragelevel to 5) (set: $rcounter to 0) (set: $gatekeeper to (t8n: "flicker")+(t8n-time: 1s)+(text-style:"blur")+(text-style:"expand")+(text-style:"bold")+(font:'Courier New')+(text-color: red))

###The Rules You are a rising screenwriter. You're trying to navigate this crazy business in LA. Your favorite podcast is <a href="https://johnaugust.com/scriptnotes" title="Scriptnotes Link" target="_blank">Scriptnotes</a>, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are in'eresting to screenwriters. But before you can achieve a modicum of success, you must face (text-color: red)[**The Craigkeeper**] with every choice you make. Choose wisely, and he will let you proceed. Choose poorly too many times, and he will release enough UMBRAGE to summon the evil that resides within Ted Cruz, which will enter your loins and ensure your genetic line produces only cowards. Be aware, the threat levels for Craig Mazin's UMBRAGE are: * (text-color: #599300)[CROSSWORD PUZZLE GREEN] * (text-color: #fece35)[SCRIPT CONSULTANT YELLOW] * (text-color: #ff7400)[HOMEOPATHY ORANGE] * (text-color: #ab2627)[ANTI-VAXX RED] * (text-color: #ff0000)[UMBRAGE REACTOR BREACH!] But before we begin, an important first question. Do you work for, or have you ever worked for Final Draft, the screenwriting software? * [[Proceed<-No I have not »]] * [[Reactor Breach for FD<-Yes I have »]]

The Craigkeeper taps his bony fingers upon a rusty keyboard and nods... =><= $gatekeeper["You may proceed."] <== ==> [[Begin your quest »->Q1]] <==

###BLAAAAARGH! (text-color: #ffffff)[The Craigkeeper throws back his hood, revealing eyes of pure fire! His face is unrecognizable through your melting corneas. He storms away in disgust...] =><= $gatekeeper["False hero! May god have no mercy on your soul."] <== The last image you see is that of a smiling Ted Cruz approaching. You have instantly earned Craig Mazin's UNDYING UMBRAGE and this game is over. Good day to you. ==> [[Maybe try lying next time »->Start]] <== (set: $umbragelevel to 10)

(if: $showFooter)[ ==> ^^*Current Umbrage Level:*^^ (if: $umbragelevel > 9)[(text-color: #ff0000)[UMBRAGE REACTOR BREACH!]](else-if: $umbragelevel > 7)[(text-color: #ab2627)[ANTI-VAXX RED]](else-if: $umbragelevel > 4)[(text-color: #ff7400)[HOMEOPATHY ORANGE]](else-if: $umbragelevel > 1)[(text-color: #fece35)[SCRIPT CONSULTANT YELLOW]](else-if: $umbragelevel <= 1)[(text-color: #599300)[CROSSWORD PUZZLE GREEN]](else:)[] <== ]

####Choose wisely. You wake up on a cold December morning with a writing deadline on your mind, and an empty coffee container in your pantry. You begrudgingly head to Starbucks and get to work. A few hours later, a group of arguing screenwriters spot your laptop screen with your well-crafted script. They corner you and ask if it's alright to say "WE SEE" in their screenplays. You take a sip of your overpriced cappuccino and say: * [[N Answer<-OK. But don't get carried away. »]] * [[B Answer<-No. Professionals never use WE SEE. »]] * [[G Answer<-Yes. »]] (set: $showFooter to true)

(set: $showFooter to false) ###UMBRAGE REACTOR BREACH! 3.6 Seksiicregs have been released into the atmosphere -- Not great, not terrible. Unofficial estimates at 15,000 Seksiicregs. Because of you, John August had to be sent in to stop the fury with a well-crafted segue, taking time away from a new episode of Scriptnotes. Your failures mean we get a previously-aired episode next Tuesday with only a 1 minute original intro. You lose! (text-color: #ffffff)[The Craigkeeper scoffs and disappears in a vape cloud, leaving behind only an echo of his faint voice...] =><= $gatekeeper["Unworthy soul!"] <== ==> [[You limp toward your doom »->The End]] <==

(set: $rcounter to it + 1) In a manner that rings like a distant, childhood memory of your father, the Craigkeeper offers no indication of his approval. He simply brushes some dust off a long-cracked Magic Mouse and rumbles... =><= (if: $rcounter >= 5)[$gatekeeper["Your purgatory awaits."]] (else:)[$gatekeeper["(either: "Continue.", "Keep moving.", "Hmmh.", "Go.", "Move on.")"]] <== ==> (if: $rcounter >= 5)[(link-goto: "You inch toward the exit »", "The End")] (else:)[(link-goto: "Onward you go »", "Q" + (text: $rcounter + 1))] <==

(set: $umbragelevel to it +2)(set: $rcounter to it + 1)(if: $umbragelevel > 9)[(go-to: "Reactor Breach")](else:)[ The Craigkeeper lowers his head ever so briefly, and with the back of his skeletal hand, dismisses you toward the next challenge. =><= (if: $rcounter >= 5)[$gatekeeper["Your judgement awaits."]] (else:)[$gatekeeper["(either: "You try my patience.", "Fly, you fool.", "What is that foul stench?", "Have you never done this before?", "Enh.")"]] <== ==> (if: $rcounter >= 5)[(link-goto: "You stumble toward the exit »", "The End")] (else:)[(link-goto: "You press on »", "Q" + (text: $rcounter + 1))] <== ]

(set: $umbragelevel to it -1.5)(set: $rcounter to it + 1) For a brief moment, the looming shadow of the Craigkeeper's cloak is interrupted by a pearlescent glint. Was that... a smile? =><= (if: $rcounter >= 5)[$gatekeeper["Your destiny awaits."]] (else:)[$gatekeeper["(either: "You are welcome to continue.", "Continue without fear.", "Onward, young soldier.", "Let this wind carry you onward.", "Your path forward has been lit.")"]] <== ==> (if: $rcounter >= 5)[(link-goto: "You take the exit »", "The End")] (else:)[(link-goto: "You strut to the next challenge »", "Q" + (text: $rcounter + 1))] <==

####What kind of writer are you? You manage to escape the Starbucks without agreeing to read any screenplays. Nicely done! But before you can start your car, you get a Twitter notification from a thread of WGA writers accusing each other of betraying the union. You warm up your thumbs and: * [[B Answer<-Take a side, joining in on the accusations. »]] * [[N Answer<-Decide to ignore it. »]] * [[G Answer<-Remind everyone we're in this together, despite differing opinions. »]] (set: $showFooter to true)

####Back to Work After your stint on Twitter, which led to Instagram, which led to Facebook, which led to an hour in a Wiki-hole trying to fact-check something your aunt posted, you're finally back working. Good! A small production company that has yet to buy any of your work has asked you to help them review others' work for their development slate. Now it's your turn to give notes. The first thing you read has a nasty main character you're not connecting with. You: * [[N Answer<-Provide your ideas for making the character nicer. »]] * [[G Answer<-Suggest the writer focus on character relatability. »]] * [[B Answer<-Say the character isn’t likeable enough. »]] (set: $showFooter to true)

####???... Profit. Freshly buzzing from the opinions you were asked to give, and with limited income from green-lit production, you start to ponder your future. Which is often dangerous for writers. You have a limited (or negligible) amount of produced credits, but because so many people ask you your thoughts on story and craft, you decide to: * [[N Answer<-Apply to a lot of screenwriting contests. »]] * [[B Answer<-Become a paid script doctor/consultant and write a book. »]] * [[G Answer<-Help your peers and keep grinding. »]] (set: $showFooter to true)

####Spiraling The weeks, months and years are going by and you have yet to secure the big sale that gives you the money you need and the Tesla you want. The Buddha says existence is suffering, but you don't care. So you decide to make one big, final move. And that move is to: * [[G Answer<-Write something so good, Craig and John have you on Scriptnotes. »]] * [[B Answer<-Become a ventriloquist, we need more of those. »]] * [[N Answer<-Leave screenwriting to do what makes you happy. »]] (set: $showFooter to true)

(set: $showFooter to false) ###Your Quest Ends Your final UMBRAGE LEVEL: (if: $umbragelevel > 9)[(text-color: #ff0000)[UMBRAGE REACTOR BREACH!]](else-if: $umbragelevel > 7)[(text-color: #ab2627)[ANTI-VAXX RED]](else-if: $umbragelevel > 4)[(text-color: #ff7400)[HOMEOPATHY ORANGE]](else-if: $umbragelevel > 1)[(text-color: #fece35)[SCRIPT CONSULTANT YELLOW]](else-if: $umbragelevel <= 1)[(text-color: #599300)[CROSSWORD PUZZLE GREEN!]](else:)[] (if: $umbragelevel < 0)[ <img src="http://www.aliimranzaidi.com/umbrage/images/X.gif"> (t8n: "pulse")+(t8n-time: 800ms)+(text-style:"bold")+(text-style:"blur")+(text-color: #fed001)["***ESCAPE ROOM***" ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!] You actually did so well, you left Craig happier than when he aces an escape room! May all your first drafts be awe-inspiring, may you never receive a bad note, and may the light on your scripts be as green as the umbrage level you've achieved. ](else:)[ (if: $umbragelevel > 9)[<img src="http://www.aliimranzaidi.com/umbrage/images/F.gif" alt="You got an F" /> ^^*Need we say more?*^^ Look, maybe you'd be better off writing captions in a Macy's catalog. Do they still have those? Maybe go find out. Or there's always fast food, where you can answer questions such as "what is the cost of fries?" ](else-if: $umbragelevel > 7)[<img src="http://www.aliimranzaidi.com/umbrage/images/D.gif" alt="You got a D" /> ^^*You brought us one step from disaster.*^^ In s2:ep9 of Rick and Morty ("Look Who's Purging Now"), you're basically the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJ-Z_DW0AuE" target="_blank" title="Rick and Morty Screenplay Criticism on YouTube">Lighthouse Keeper</a>. ](else-if: $umbragelevel > 4)[<img src="http://www.aliimranzaidi.com/umbrage/images/C.gif" alt="You got a C" /> ^^*Your existence is but a shrug in time.*^^ The last thing you want is for someone to ***Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and*** say, "meh." But that's what happened here. ](else-if: $umbragelevel > 1)[<img src="http://www.aliimranzaidi.com/umbrage/images/B.gif" alt="You got a B" /> ^^*Brush up on your Craig, please.*^^ Ooooooh, soooo cloooose. It's almost like <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bb7303ukNtk" target="_blank" title="Robin Williams at the Critics Choice on YouTube">you were one of three up for an award and the two other nominees tied for the win and you got nothing</a>. ](else-if: $umbragelevel <= 1)[<img src="http://www.aliimranzaidi.com/umbrage/images/AA.gif" alt="You got an A" /> ^^*We would follow you into the maw.*^^ Seriously. Your ability to do the right thing, or at least avoid doing the wrong thing, would probably protect us from a man-made disaster. But why worry about something that isn't going to happen? ](else:)[] ] ==> [[You decide to waste more time »->Start]] <==